Thursday, September 20, 2012

Day 27, people, day 27

Yesterday was not good.  I had only been at the orphanage for a few minutes when V started calling out for a friend to come play with us.  She called N over and they wanted to jump on the trampoline of death.  Remember that?  Well, I kept saying, "be careful" in Russian and they kept giggling and acting like 5 year olds. Then this little boy, S, walks up to say "hi".  I turn around for ONE SECOND and then I hear V screaming.  I turn and see blood.  Her nose was busted.

I scooped her up and, luckily, the nurse was outside.  We went into the doctor's office. Where they cleaned her up and iced her nose.  Her nose got the brunt of N's head.  Her upper lip was also busted too.  Physically she was fine.  But, mentally, she was not.

 V would not look at me. She very actively avoided looking at me. She didn't want me to touch her, talk to her, be hear her. Thankfully, the doctor put us in a tiny room together so couldn't avoid me.  I wanted to scoop her up and rock her.  I asked if I could hold her and she said "no".  I wanted to be there for her without making her feel I was stepping on her wishes or her feelings.  So, I sat next to her and put my hand over hers.  She let me do that for awhile but would still not look at me.

After awhile I tried to talk to her again. I told her mama would never hurt her.  That Mamas help.  That I love her.  She just was not home at all.  I asked her if she wanted me to go and she said "yes".  I probably shouldn't have asked, but I was so distraught and not thinking straight.  And  then, to make matters worse, I burst into tears.  Way to be the grown up.   I am just pulled so thin right now and I just was not handling things well.

But, that did snap her out.  She immediately flung herself on me and hugged me.  Then she told me to stay.  I am sure this was a very unhealthy exchange, but I keep telling myself we are just in survival mode till we get out.  Hopefully we won't go too far backwards before we can start going forward.

Then yesterday afternoon our facilitator came to talk to me.  She said no court Wednesday and no court Thursday.  Only a 50/50 chance for court on Friday.  But, at least by Monday they say.  I burst into tears. Yes, again with the tears.  In a couple days I will have been here a month.  and no court date.

I won't know if court is tomorrow until tomorrow.  That will make it awfully hard to book tickets out the same day.  I hope with all I have that court is tomorrow.  And I hope that I can get tickets out too. 

Todays visit was better.  It wasn't awesome, it wasn't super hard.  I was glad to be with her and hang out with her.  But it was again, impersonal.  Just me chasing her around mostly.  And her asking if I had any more chocolate.  Considering how it ended yesterday, though, I was just relieved she was happy to see me.

She also said again that she wanted the plane, that she wanted America. 

I am going to eat and take a nap and then just hope and pray and hope and pray some more for court tomorrow and tickets home. I miss my kids like I can not even explain.

2 comments:

  1. Big, big, big hugs for you. I am thinking of you, V, and your family every day.

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  2. This is just one non-professional reader's opinion, but I wanted to let you know what I saw in the moment when you broke down and cried in front of injured V, followed by V asking you to stay. I saw you showing her, in the realest possible way, how important she is to you. How much the idea of having to leave her, of being rejected by her hurt your feelings.

    I've read more than one story from an adoptive parent where a crucially positive turning point in the relationship between parent and child happened when the parent couldn't stop themselves from breaking down in tears. I found one example here: http://www.theaccidentaladvocate.org/2009/07/part-10.html. (It's a long post, the crying it towards the end.)

    Another involved a woman adopting an 11 year old girl (Wangling) from China. The day of the adoption, the Wangling suddenly said she didn't want to go through with it. The mom tried to be strong and not pressure her, but couldn't stop the tears from falling. Seeing the tears shocked the girl, who realized how much this woman really cared about her. (She ended up going through with the adoption; the site where I read their story was written years later into their successful adoption.)

    Anyway, I don't think it was an "unhealthy exchange," as you called it. I think it was a beautiful, clear-as-a-bell communication between two hurting souls (you and V) trying to reach out to each other in an incredibly hard time. I hope that as time has passed and you've gotten away from all the stress of those days, you can see the beauty in that raw moment.

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