Sunday, September 16, 2012

too open

I have been a bit too out there with my emotions and my struggles.  I know, people are going to tell me that I haven't and that they are glad I have laid it out there.  But, I am regretting it.  I am tired of listening to myself cry and so I know others must be too.

The facts are that
1. it is hard being here with so many children who have little hope.
2. it is hard being here with my child that i can not break free yet.
3. it is just hard being here.
4. my kids at home don't have consistent childcare
5. the childcare they do have is not going well.
6. i am lonely.
7. i am scared of flying home by myself (silly,huh?), but i desperately want to be flying home anyway.
8. i want court to be over.
9. i want to come home

but here is the truest fact of all-
10. NONE of this is in my control to fix or change.

And I think I keep talking about it as if that will magically fix everything or bring on a court date. But,it won't.  So, I need to stop.  And be still for awhile.  I heard somewhere that struggling only makes you sink faster.
I'm gonna give us all a break.  I apologize for being so loud about my distress.  I am gonna reel that fish back on in.  

2 comments:

  1. (Haly here) Our friend and business partner went to a Russian trade show this spring. This man used to work in international banking and traveled 240 days a year for years but never to Russia. He was overcome by how foreign it was and I imagine the Ukraine is similar. He said he felt like he was on Mars and that he'd never felt so out of sorts. He couldn't wait to come home. I can't imagine trying to do it on my own and under a strict budget. You're doing amazing!

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  2. i'm not tired ;)

    but seriously. i've been there. well, ok, not exactly specifically that location, but close enough. ;) but i've seen the orphanages, the baby houses, the boarding schools, the hopelessness, the starvation for affection.....and could do nothing about it beyond the few short hours i was there. anyone who hasnt seen it has a hard time imagining the depth and range of emotions. {{{HUGS}}}

    are you hooked up with any local churches? is that a possibility for some emotional/communal support?

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